burning my bridges while I’m on them.


Welcome to the Walled Garden. Yeah, that’s what I’m calling this particular space, because it’s just private enough. If you’re seeing this, you’ve either commented on one of my last two posts or you’re somebody whom I trust implicitly anyway (or whom I talk about this stuff on another media).

Anyway, I was going to start working towards the pragmatic ‘what I need to do to get out of here’ tonight, but that’s kinda changed. You see, I got my grades, and I ended up with a D in a class due to some extraordinary bad luck when it came to the final. The first was that I was just a minute late getting it in — I thought I was on time, but my clock is slow.

The second was that, in trying to email it to him on my second chance, I somehow emailed it to the wrong address. Instead of a bounce, I ended up with dead air, so I assumed it went through. So, you can imagine my shock when I saw the D when I was expecting a C.

And this is the fucking story of my life. It doesn’t matter what I’m doing, I’ll always find a way to burn the bridge down while I’m on it. It’s almost like I don’t want myself to succeed. I’m not entirely sure why this is the case, but it’s why I have very few people to write me letters of recommendation or otherwise help me along. Because I’m very very good at ending up being a flake despite my best intentions.

I know some of it is the illness. I hate being bipolar; I hate the fact that, out of nowhere, I’ll suddenly be eaten by a grue. Despite having a flashlight. That is, the depression beast will come out of nowhere and rob me of my motivation and focus, and once again I burn the bridge and fall in the ravine. Then I have to claw myself out again. It gets *old* after a while.

This is getting old. But I don’t know what to do about it.

I think I’m going to go take one of my anti-anxiety pills and go to bed. It’s better than sitting here in the spin cycle. Maybe tomorrow I’ll feel well enough and together enough to be pragmatic, but it’s not happening tonight.

I just really could use some good luck right about now, though.

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